I felt like a nobody. We just finished a failed second attempt at a difficult high mountain route in Washington called the Ptarmigan Traverse, and we made a mess of things. Now three trips into my early climbing career, a disappointing reality smacked me in the face. My skills didn’t measure up to my expectations. I rarely led our climbing team, I struggled with difficult rock sections, and I kept making navigation mistakes. I thought I should be advancing faster, and my mountaineering skills didn’t measure up to my aspirations.
I felt disillusioned. Without notable skills on the mountain, was climbing worth the commitment? Each trip consumed months of training and planning, and finding time to travel to Seattle for a week each summer required lots of planning. Yet I still felt the mountains calling, and so were my climbing teammates. How could I get so much satisfaction if I was failing, and why did my teammates want me back?
After months of reflection, and frank conversation with Craig, our team patriarch, (yeah, he’s the oldest, even though he looks ten years my younger) the answer came in recognizing the power of team before self. I realized how I added value to our team; I didn’t lead the glory sections but I served my teammates well.
I’m a pretty good trail cook, and when we burn 10,000 calories a day, a nourishing meal can determine tomorrow’s success. I often pump water for my teammates, sometimes crouched precariously over raging mountain streams, many times when the sun sears so hot I want to hide, or my legs scream from crouching after hours of trekking. I usually carry the rope and 200 feet of 9 mm rope gets pretty heavy after a day dragging over the snow. We need to eat, drink and rope up – period. I’m a mountaineering nobody, and I serve our team with pride!
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the power of setting high expectations. Mountaineering taught me about the importance of choosing the proper measuring stick. My early aspirations were naive. They were about proving my abilities. I lucked upon something far more satisfying – the reward of serving something bigger than myself. The satisfaction of serving.
Eric,
Did you know that bout yourself, that you had “‘back up” skills considered valuable to your team? Or did the realization you played a valued support member reveal itself later, hidden under the lesser abilities you had expectations of? I like your recognition of the differing skill sets that can “salvage” a disappointing outcome. Also gives some perspective to anyone in a leadership position how some team members can feel while experiencing certain levels of defeat. Kudos to your perseverance!
Always a next time!
Russ
Russ, I originally thought climbing was about individuals demonstrating his/her own skills — I HAD NO IDEA! My past 15 years in the mountains showed me a deeper meaning. I just had to learn to see it and appreciate it, and find my role in our climbing team.
This is my favorite e.musings so far. Thank you.